Does How We Look Make Us More or Less Lovable?

I was at a party a few weeks ago and a forty-year-old woman was talking to me about how she was trying to get back to her twenty-year-old body with a new exercise plan.  As if it were the most obvious thing in the world, she stated, “I am just not happy with my body anymore.” The minute I heard her say this, I immediate felt compassion.  I’m in my forties myself, and I definitely understood this woman’s longing for her twenty-something figure, but I also understood the level of suffering she was inflicting on herself.  I learned a long time ago that there are thoughts that take us right to pain and misery and “I’m not happy with my body” is one of them.

The mystery of when some of us begin rejecting our physical appearance is a complicated one. It might begin in childhood, or with the onslaught of images of men or women from advertising campaigns or the experience of noticing ourselves or others getting more or less attention because of appearances. For a while, we can manage the ‘need to look good,’ but as we age the gap between these images of how we “should” look and how we actually do look can grow wider. The aging of our bodies brings to the surface one of our biggest internal struggles – that we must be a certain way to be loved.  If we choose to reject our bodies, it initiates an unending inner dialogue that we are never good enough, pretty enough, or just enough in general.  It creates a fear that we are not lovable ‘as is’, and means never having the courage to wear that new bathing suit or pair of shorts,” never accepting our aging bodies in fear we will be ridiculed simply for showing up as we are in that moment.

I realized a long time ago that if a thought was creating suffering in my life, I really needed to examine that thought.  The thought that our bodies must look a certain way as we age is one of those thoughts.  The only peaceful thought any of us can have is that we love our bodies “as is” in this moment. Does this mean that we won’t exercise or use facial creams? Of course not.  Does it mean that one day some of us won’t get face work? I have no idea.  But what I do know is that embracing our bodies in this moment allows us to walk through life in a state of acceptance. We can show up as us, not giving our power away to other people’s thoughts of how someone at a certain age should look.  If we refuse to reject our physical appearance, we can do our best to love our bodies, the vehicle that allows us to be here each day and function in this world.  We all have too much to do to sit around thinking that our bodies are not okay when in reality our bodies allow us to experience great joy in our lives.

Even though many of us are aware of how horrible rejecting our bodies makes us feel, the road map to love and acceptance is not always so easy. Here are some tools that my clients and I have utilized to help honor our bodies and paths in life. I hope it is helpful with your journey of self-love and acceptance of your body and you can find greater ease and joy in every day living.

• At least once a day, express gratitude for the body that allows you to experience everything that you enjoy in life. If you find yourself getting down about your physical appearance because you are shopping for clothes, going to a party, and don’t like what you are wearing or even seeing an advertisement that makes you feel down about yourself, start the list of gratitude of what you body does for you everyday. Feel true appreciation for your legs that allow you to walk, your eyes that allow you to see and your arms that allow you to express yourself. Keep doing the exercise with different body parts until you feel lighter and gratitude fills your heart.   There is a good chance that wherever you are you will feel stronger internally and more secure about your physical presence.
• During a quiet time in the day, examine some of the thoughts that make you feel bad, thoughts like, “I am fat”, “That other person is better looking than I am” or “Look how terrible I look with the wrinkles on my forehead.” How would you feel without that thought? Would you still be breathing without that thought? Can you still do all the things that are important to you without that thought? What will change if you let the thought go? Will most of your suffering be gone? Ask yourself these questions. Now try to examine what is really important in your life. Where do you want your focus to be? What makes you feel good? Without these negative thoughts about your appearance, you might feel light and joyous. The more you create awareness about these thoughts that come and go, the more they become less meaningful to you. What is really important will start to take center stage.
• Try to take some long deep breaths when your mind starts having all of these negative thoughts about your physical appearance.   Our thoughts and emotions often control the way that we breathe and the way we breathe often affects how we think. Try to slow it all down with your breath and equally distribute your energy throughout your body.  Your mind will calm down a bit and you will be more likely to remember the 2 previous exercises especially gratitude for what your body does for you every day.

Isn’t suffering less and accepting ourselves the ultimate in self improvement? MAYBE we are perfect just the way we are.  Now that’s a thought that feels good no matter what our age!