Soothing the Pain of Rejection When “Mother Teresa” Unfriends You on Facebook
….that love is not what you want, it is what you are. It is very important to not get these two confused. If you think that love is what you want, you will go searching all over the place. If you think love is what you are, you will go sharing it all over the place. The second approach will cause you to find what the searching will never reveal. —Neale Donald Walsch
As we all know, Facebook’s biggest perk is being able to keep in touch with people that we knew long ago or just met this morning. However, our interactions on Facebook can also bring the feelings of REJECTION when people you know UNFRIEND YOU. I was quite unaware of the impact of the “unfriend” button until a few days ago. A friend of mine, whom I can easily describe as one of the most giving and altruistic people I have ever met, recently won a very prestigious award for her work. While we are not best friends, we have done some nice charity events together and I thought we had a strong relationship. So the other day, I went on Facebook to share news of her award with my friends and I noticed that she is no longer my Facebook friend. What did I do to be UNFRIENDED by the closest I would ever come to someone like “Mother Teresa?”
Without taking a breath or being mindful, I felt immediately hurt. It really bothered me for about a half hour and then I realized that she eliminated the majority of her “friends” on Facebook and people were being sent to her public figure page if they wanted to follow her. She is so busy these days running her organization and managing donors, I came to the conclusion that she probably felt she needed to pick and choose who could stay on her feed. Even with the realization, I did not feel warm and fuzzy about my new status.
In my melancholy mood, I stayed on Facebook for another 20 minutes and a pop-up appeared asking if there is anybody new I want to connect with. With the realization I am down one friend, the thought seemed soothing. As I was checking my contacts, I noticed that Facebook was asking me to become friends with four people with whom I thought I was already friends. So I sent a friend request to all of them and by the end of the workday we were all friends again. Phew! However, as the day went on it occurred to me that these “friends” could have unfriended me as well. I decided to write one of these people to find out. He is a pretty honest guy and not that emotional about this type of stuff. He wrote me back that he did, in fact, unfriend me about a year ago. He said that since I didn’t post pictures of my children or any good restaurants and I only posted my work, he eliminated me to clear his feed. I then realized that I probably re-friended four people during the day who had previously unfriended me. We all know that the only thing worse than getting unfriended by people is sending them a new friend request on Facebook!
That night as I lay my head down to sleep, I was surprised at how unsettled I felt about these rejections. I had so many wonderful things happening in my life, but I felt hurt that these people did not want to stay in touch with me. I reflected on my relationships with these five individuals, and could not think of one thing I had done to hurt their feelings or offend them. All I knew was that I was my true authentic self in the relationships and most of them unfriended me for a reason I would never know. Even regarding the friend I asked, I did not feel great that he preferred not to view my work posted online. As I sat with this feeling of being rejected or not liked, my mind was filled with trying to figure out why that one friend did not like my work and why the others unfriended me. I think I actually convinced myself that they were the reason I could not sleep.
Suddenly, I remembered the mantra that always brings me back: “I am the love that I seek.” If someone suggested this mantra to me many years ago, I probably would have gone right back to the story of how these five people unfriended me and how unappreciated I felt. Yet over the years, I have realized that focusing on such stories is a losing proposition. When I sit around and complain about what I am not getting from others I always end up suffering. I feel stuck and have no soothing solution because I cannot control what other people think of me. When I say the mantra, “I am the love that I seek” over and over again my heart starts to slowly feel differently. As I start to see myself as love, some of the emptiness begins to go away. My heart is soothed and I realize that I don’t need to search for anything because I am filled with love. This helps me feel uninhibited on Facebook, post my work that I love to share, engage with my Facebook friends, and send blessings to those who unfriend me. When I go back to this mantra, I feel less needy, more giving, and less rattled by how other people are behaving.
Realizing we have all the love we need within doesn’t mean we won’t feel hurt when someone chooses to “unfriend” us or doesn’t include us in an activity, but it does give us a place to stand that is warm and inviting. With the realization that we are the source of our love, we can take a deep breath and give some love to ourselves and the situation we are facing. As love fills our hearts, the search for outside love fades and we can move forward with kindness and generosity, bringing light and hope to whatever situation we face.
I hope you give the mantra a try. MAYBE you’ll find the love you desire was with you all along!
This evening a woman that I just met at my daughter’s school Facebook-friended me. I think I will invite her over for a cup of tea!