Introducing My New Podcast: 10 Minutes To Less Suffering

Last week I launched my new podcast, 10 Minutes To Less Suffering. In the first episode, I discuss why most of us are addicted to certainty. Many of us believe that if we knew what would happen next in our lives we would feel safe and secure. But the truth is we can’t know the future, and when we feel uncertain we often stress and worry that things will be bad or not work out the way we want. In this podcast, I share simple techniques to help you overcome your fear of the unknown and find more hope and possibility in your daily life.

My plan is to release three episodes a month. If you like the episode, please leave a review on ITunes where you can also subscribe directly to the podcast. If you have any questions or feedback, or there is a topic you would like me to discuss in future episodes, please leave a comment below.  The podcast is just 10 minutes and MAYBE it changes everything! Please click here to listen.

 

 

 

Is Your Child More Anxious and Worried Since the Election?

During the election season, many of our children experienced a tremendous amount of stress and worry about who would win the Presidency.  It became especially apparent to me the night of the election. My daughters had invited a bunch of friends over to watch the election results.  As it became more clear from the news that Donald Trump might win, my younger daughter and her friends, who are all about 14 years old, looked at me with tears in their eyes and asked, “Allison, are we going to die?”

I was certainly not happy that Donald Trump might become President, but I wondered why they were reacting so acutely to the news.  “Why do you think that?” I asked. One after the other, they gave me their reasons why.  One child said, “My mom said if Donald Trump wins we will all be doomed.” Another girl said, “My dad said Donald Trump is incompetent and can’t run this country.” My daughter said, “Mom, I heard you ask dad ‘Do you want Donald Trump’s finger on the button?” I realized at that moment that a key reason they were so upset was because of the conversations many of us were having in front of our children about Donald Trump becoming President.  Interestingly, some of my friends who voted for Donald Trump also admitted to having had very little filter when they were having conversations about Hilary Clinton in front of their children.

As I looked at the fearful faces of these young girls, all I could do was imagine how worried and anxiety-ridden I would be if I were a 14-year-old child hearing from my parents that the world was not safe if a particular person became President. With much less life experience, our children view these comments as Continue reading…

The Day After the Election, Will We Still Be Friends?  

Russia October. 10, 2016. Debates on election. Two speaker on tribunes. Vote for me. Concept of voting, ellection and balloting. Election campaign. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton

Now that the Presidential debates are over, we can start to think about what life will be like after the election on November 8th.  This election season has not only been tough for our country, but also has wreaked havoc on many of our personal relationships. Friends and acquaintances have argued for months on Facebook regarding positions the candidates have taken regarding crime and foreign policy, and both sides have contemplated hitting the UNFRIEND button.   Siblings have fought about immigration policies and the meaning of what constitutes a sexual assault and are left wondering if they can still have Thanksgiving dinner together.  Best friends who have spoken daily for decades have stopped calling each other because of differing opinions about who is best for the Supreme Court and the truth of the latest allegations against each candidate. There is a little girl at my niece’s school who refuses to have a play date with anyone who supports a particular nominee. I, myself, have gotten into a few arguments this campaign season with people in my life whom I have loved for a long time.  I began to judge their hearts and values based on their political positions, taking me to a dark place.  I wondered how I could ever enjoy their company or even speak to them again if I truly believe they have assumed harmful, hateful views, supporting someone I believe to be untrustworthy and unfit to be the leader of the free world.

I sat with my feelings for many months, and I came to the realization that how we vote does not represent the entirety of who we are as people.  Now some may argue with me based on what has been said or done by both Presidential candidates this season, but if we all think about it, my statement is true.  I have seen friends who have argued on Facebook about gun control and nonetheless are devoted parents, or charitable people and amazing friends. Siblings fighting over immigration policies have stood by each other through divorces, illnesses and the passing of their parents.  Best friends who are now hardly speaking have previously taken each other’s kids to after-school programs, attended charity events together to feed the homeless and even helped clean up parks on weekends.  All of these wonderful qualities in each of these people make up the fabric of this country, and these qualities are arguably as important as their vote in this presidential election.  Yes, who we vote for says a lot about who we are, but it does not define everything in our hearts.  People are complicated and why they vote a certain way or see the world the way they do is based on a lifetime of successes, failures, hopes, and fears, and dreams for what they see as a better tomorrow.

This country will need to heal in the days, weeks and months following the election. In my opinion, the only way to do so is to look for the good in each person in your life and try to repair these relationships and our communities. Lead by example by getting involved with the issues brought up during this campaign season that matter to you. Most of all, choose kindness to everyone, even those who do not agree with how you see the world, while continuing to stay truthful to who you are and what you believe.

The most amazing thing about this country is the infinite ability for all of us each day to find common ground and begin again.   So on November 9th, let’s start over and invite our siblings and anyone else we have disagreed with this election season back for Thanksgiving dinner. Just MAYBE the divide will seem a little smaller when we focus on how important we are to each other and how important community, family and friendship is in all of our lives.

Originally Published in Psychology Today

 

 

Letting Go Of The Past: Always Look At What You Have Left

beautiful curly hair girl vector illustration

Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.
Robert H. Schuller

When I was young I had big hair.  My hair was curly, black and frizzy and it caused me to stand out in a crowd.  People were always saying to me, “Allison you have to do something about that hair!”  I became a bit insecure about my hair and tried everything to make it straight and not frizzy.  My hair became something that always bothered me.  Over the last ten years, I have noticed that my hair is a little thinner than it was and I am often battling new grey hairs.  I look back on my childhood hair and miss it.  I miss the fullness and the shine.  Yet when I had that hair I did not appreciate it and I was struggling with my hair again for different reasons.  Then a few months ago, I was out on the street and I saw an older woman with some bald spots.  In that moment, I was struck by the thought that I could be that woman one day (it could be any of us).  I realized that in thirty years I might be thinking about my hair as it is today and missing it; possibly missing the grey hairs that might have fallen out and left some bald patches.

Longing for the hair of my youth is not the most painful or significant thing in my life.  However, it is a simple example of how we hold on to the past.  Some of us long for our twenty-something bodies, our carefree childhoods or the opportunities we had when we were younger.  We also obsess about relationships that ended years ago, a former job that we really enjoyed or money lost in the stock market.  There is nothing wrong with remembering these things we once had in our lives, but sometimes these memories are the source of our pain. The reason it can be so painful is that often we cannot recreate the past and we compare it to what we have in the present. It doesn’t mean that we won’t have great things come into our lives in the future, sometimes even better things. If we lose a great job, we can get another terrific job. We can set goals and do our best to achieve them.  Yet everything changes and, for better or worse, the past is no longer with us.  Everything in this moment is different from yesterday and the day before.

So we have a choice. We can continue to long for what was and live with pain in this moment or find another way.  There are ways to get the most out of this moment, even if it is not what we hoped for, dreamed of or expected.  Here are three steps to help you try to let go of yesterday and embrace today with less pain. This can be a slow process and certain things we hold onto can be tougher to let go.  But try these steps and see if you feel a little lighter.

1.      Acceptance.  When we refuse to accept where we are in our lives, it causes pain.  Arguing with “what is” is like banging your head against the wall.  It hurts! Acceptance does not mean we won’t try to improve our circumstances, but we need to be able to remember yesterday without holding on to it so tight.  It is not an easy task to let go of youth, a relationship or something that was very important, but the pain of clinging to something that can no longer be is excruciating.  I don’t write this lightly, and understand the struggle of acceptance.  We are asking ourselves to let go of a very meaningful past as we try to accept “what is.”  But if we don’t let go we are shouldering a burden and limiting ourselves from finding new ways to live and new hopes and dreams to pursue. Take a moment and think about a few aspects of your life that you are not accepting. How would it feel not to struggle with it anymore? Can you accept this circumstance and relax into the moment? You can accept your situation and still try to improve your position in the future.  Try the mantra, “I did not expect this, but I accept this. Maybe everything is still okay.”  I use this mantra often and find it gives me a foundation for finding acceptance. It helps me feel hopeful that I can live with my present circumstance and find a way to move forward.

2.      Appreciation.   When I saw the woman with bald spots, I was not judging her appearance but was realizing how everything changes whether or not I am holding on to the past.  Allowing myself to appreciate what I have in this moment brought me more peace and acceptance with my current circumstances.  Sure, I was just thinking about hair and not an illness or the loss of a job, but the same mindset can apply to most aspects of our lives.  Appreciating what we have in any moment, from good health to a good meal, from a friendship or our memories of friendships, helps us to be more content with what is today. We can also appreciate how lucky we are to have had those cherished experiences from our past!

3.      Something new. Sometimes we need to try something new to create some distance from the past.  Take a class, apply for a new job, volunteer, take up a sport or a new hobby.  It will help your mind get busy with the present instead of thinking about yesterday. When we allow ourselves to engage in new activities, we inspire new thoughts, and we often meet new people. Our new activities might not be what they used to be or even what we expected at this point in our lives, but action can move us forward with joy and open us up to wonderful opportunities.  We start to see that life was always moving forward and only we were hanging on to the pain of yesterday.

Acceptance, appreciation and finding something new: a good recipe for reducing our daily pain of longing for yesterday. Today has its own gifts if we are willing to be present enough to open them.  MAYBE the best is yet to come!