Who Is to Blame for all the Bullying?
Last week my daughter and I were shopping in a store to buy horseback riding boots for summer camp. We were the only customers in the store at the time and both the sales clerk and the store manager were helping us. We had trouble making our decision on the boots because her foot seemed to be between two sizes. We kept going back and forth between two pairs and we were in the store for a long time. We bought the smaller size and left the store. When we got home, my 9-year-old daughter told me the sales clerk and manager were making faces to each other and rolling their eyes at me when I was not directly looking at them.
Did these saleswomen bully me? No, but they were showing my child an underlying characteristic of bullying: a disrespect for someone else. As demonstrated by the children that bullied the bus monitor, Karen Klein, seen by millions last week on YouTube, a blatant disrespect for another human being is a major component of bullying. And yet, I bet if you asked these saleswomen if they support bullying in their homes, they would say of course not, but their actions in front of my child speak volumes.
As I read all of the articles and blogs about who is to blame for the bullying problems we face, I can only sit silently today reflecting on my own actions. Through my actions, I try to teach my children love, kindness and respect for themselves and every other individual that walks the earth. These are my ten commandments that I try to live by every day:
1. I try never to put people down even when I am frustrated and angry. I allow no name-calling and I try to keep to the facts. Every time I put someone down it is a signal for my children to do the same. I can tell them not to put other people down but in the end they will follow what I do.
2. I don’t make fun of people for how they look or act if they are different from my family, friends or me. Even the slightest comment can signal to my children that it is okay to make fun of individuals for their differences.
3. I try not to yell and scream in my home. I am not perfect but when I lose my cool (even if I stand by what I said), I apologize for raising my voice and tell my children that I respect them. My hope is that my children will not yell and scream at their peers or anyone else when things don’t go exactly as they had planned.
4. If I admire someone for something that they did or said, I tell them. Complimenting people for their actions and achievements helps my children see that everything is not a competition and we can be happy for other people.
5. I try to expose my children to the joy of giving to others through charity work. I try to teach them that we are all in this world together and must help each other. I tell them that it is our responsibility and obligation as human beings on this earth.
6. I try to see other people’s points of view to understand how they came to think and act in any particular situation. Even when I disagree, I always try to help my children see the other side of a situation. I am not encouraging them to change their opinion, but instead to look hard to understand that someone else has another point of view that we must respect in order to resolve a matter and coexist in our world.
7. I try to take responsibility for what happens in my life and I try my best not to blame others for my problems. I try to teach my children that we can only control our own behavior and I tell them I believe that with truth and perseverance they can face any situation.
8. When I am with my children, I try to clear my mind and stay focused on just them. I do my best to not look at emails or talk on the telephone or worry about what needs to get done. I want them to feel that I am truly present for them and they have a parent that listens to them and cares what they have to say. My hope is that they will feel secure and develop a voice for themselves and not follow another voice outside of them at school that may not be kind and loving.
9. I try to stand up for what I believe in and speak my mind. I want my children to see that they must stand up for what is right in the world and let their voices be heard when they see injustice and cruelty. Through my actions, I hope that they see that there is no greater authority than the voice within themselves telling them what is right in the quest for a more peaceful and loving society.
10. I try to be courteous and respectful to everyone I interact with all day long. I try to teach my children that everyone in our society may have different jobs and different challenges, but that we are all dependent on each other, and we are all equal and deserve respect and kindness at all times. We stop to speak with the homeless on the street and we chat with the movie star down the road. My children watch me and I try to always act with the same level of kindness and respect to everyone at all times.
As you see, I began most of my reflections with “I try.”
I am far from a perfect human being or a perfect parent. I try to live by these rules because I truly believe that we are all connected and this is the way to create a more peaceful and loving society. I cannot guarantee that my children will not be bullies, but I know that they have and will continue to watch me as a role model for how to act at home and in the world.
And what did I tell my daughter about the saleswomen at the store? I told her that they were not kind and respectful to us and we would not shop there again. I also told her that it is our responsibility to continue to act with love and kindness regardless of how other people act toward us because that is the way for us to achieve a more peaceful world. I told her Maybe one day the saleswomen will do the same.
My daughter responded, “Okay Mommy.”